re: blogging.

...as in a phenomenon.

i no longer do it.

i will no longer do it...but i have decided to continue writing here.

there are a number of reasons i haven't been writing -- on this here website and more generally -- but i don't feel like getting into them at the moment, because my point is not to bitch or complain or blame.

there were a number of reasons i used to write on this here website, and as genuine as i was intending to be, there was often just as much exhibitionism involved.

i guess i mean to say this: all the reasons for which i have written, and all the ones which have muted me are beyond me now in the same way in which sometimes the past seems episodic and irrelevent to the present...that is...i peck at this keyboard in hopes of finding something to stand on...in hopes of discovering "whys" and "hows" that are otherwise shapeless unless the right vessel of a phrase is chanced upon to contain it. i want this to be a constructive effort, rather than a starry eyed or theoretical expression.

i am sick of not knowing what i am doing; sick of not examining what i am doing, or attempting to answer the questions about my life that i all to often ignore. i am free to be honest. i want things to stand on, i want to discover the ground i tread and whether or not there is a path there.

i am not tired of the pursuit of beauty or truth or all of those grand ideas, but they mean nothing if they cannot be supported by common life, intimate interests, and earthly concerns; or, rather, beauty and truth cannot be supported unless they are also drawn into those things. they cannot be considered compartmentally, or as separate. its not in human nature to exist unalloyed.....neither is it the nature of the world we live in.

i've had a rough week.
i am tired. i am afraid. i am hungry. i have bills to pay. i have to go to work. i have wet feet. i take the bus. i go to school. i am alone. i am lazy. i am guilty. i am in desperate need of a shower, and the immediate application of deodorant. and i want to cut open the sky, and shake mountains, and shout down the naysayers, reach into the thunder, rattle tombs and pierce souls, and change a thing so that it is never the same again.

these are all things i have to confront, question, resolve, learn how to do; and they are all things i need to make an effort at every day. the one set of priorities does not supercede the other; i have missed out on too much of both already.

today i stop blogging