Monday, February 02, 2009

i can transcend time.

i am existentially incapable of perfect attendence, or anything resembling the phrase.

there are a number of reasons why i didn't make it to my first two classes today; a number of reasons why i haven't been able to get to my art history class at all other than on the first day.

sometimes i don't wake up on time; sometimes, when i do, i take too long to get ready. sometimes bus schedules are lies. the worst is when i need only an extra minute, two minutes, five minutes to be able to make it somewhere on time. my day could be all well oiled gears, if i hadn't just missed a bus that came early; if i had not laid in bed for so long; if i would have just, and if only and etc., etc. the list is long, and only partially legitimate. its true that i do have bad luck; i have buffalo luck -- that kind that keeps you from falling completely on your face, but refuses to extend itself for your success.

sometimes i wonder if i had been born on time, rather than five days late, whether or not i would be in a different place right now -- i am working on a time deficit that has not allowed me to be anywhere i should have been my whole life. would i have made it to class? would i have made it to art school? would i be successful doing something i love, instead of a 30 year old boy with no money, prospects, or anything to show for all the time i've been here?

of course, that points the finger at just about everything else i can point the finger at other than myself. the problem is i tend to genuinely more than jokingly believe all of that. but even if i am right and it is all true, it doesn't excuse this fact: i am capable of taking responsibility for my own life and making it do what i want it to do. cabs may not show up when i call for them, and i might miss buses, and the entire world may be revolving against me and unwinding all the slapdash itineraries i've come up with...but with some more astute planning, with an earlier jump on the day, there is no reason i have to miss the mid morning delight of art history or afternoon charms of introduction to fashion merchandising.

even if things are not inclined to go my way, that is all the more reason to put an effort into them.

luckily, i've still got three more classes i can attend today; two of them are the good ones; one of them is "romantic movement in america," (read: transcendentalism). Emerson, Thoreau and Whitman have never been my "go to" guys when i think of what i like to read -- truthfully i've read very little of any of them -- but there is something exciting about the concepts they deal in. man is a "locus of infinite possibility" for them; ingenuity, creativity and the imagination are paramount above all other human qualities. these ideas are classified as romantic, but for people living the dream, they are the basic tenets of reality. doing what i know i am meant to do is within my grasp -- living well is within my grasp. even getting to class on time is within my grasp. these are contingent upon me.