its (st.) valentine's day...what better way to celebrate than with yet another reason why i should not have a girlfriend?
was it last night? was it this morning? i don't remember...it may have been while i was shaving...you know, those innocuous moments when barbed thoughts come creeping on their elbows, commando style...and the thought is sometimes overpowering enough to be all that you remember of the moment...time and place disappear....
anyway, it was one of those moments, and again, this thought came sneaking in: if i had money, i would probably be married by now. and yes, i know i've hashed out money as a reason not to have a girlfriend in a previous post, but money isn't always as simple a subject as we'd like to make it sometimes.
i'd be in a relationship at least, if i had money, and this is why: it would be easier. money greases wheels. money gives you the option of being generous. money does all of those things i think i've already put more eloquently before and won't bore you with repeating now. at any rate, its no secret: i wish i had money, because of all of the things i would be able to give.
nice thought.
and what load of bullshit. even as it rings just a little bit true -- financial stability is obviously a nice thing -- it is the biggest cop-out-crock of shit.
the real problem is that i love me too much; i am selfish with me. i am my number one. and having money would make it easier to care for someone else, because i wouldn't have to put as much time or thought into it.
the real problem is reason #5 why i can't have a girlfriend:
i want to give what i don't have because i am incapable of giving what i do have.
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10 comments:
One could come to the conclusion that, although you give numerious reasons for not having a girlfriend, peppered with cries of longing for one, the truth of the matter is that you have not because you choose to have not, and perhaps you should either stop complaining and be proud of your self-absorbed singleness or do something about it.
I'm almost scared to post a comment. ;)
see, the nice thing is you left your name and a cute little picture of yourself...so right away you're leaps and bounds ahead of this guy or girl or whatever. :)
sorry to scare you.
Written Off is usually more of a benevolent dictatorship. i like to think of myself as an enlightened despot.
i do not have weapons of mass destruction.
unless you count the F-bombs.
I noticed that you are an artist with curse words. ;)
And thank you for your kind words, Sir. :)
It seems I have struck a nerve. Often is is not lack of desire which keeps us from finding true happiness, but rather fear.
"I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman. He has never smelled a flower. He has never looked at a star. He has never loved any one. He has never done anything in his life but add up figures. And all day he says over and over, just like you: 'I am busy with matters of consequence!' And that makes him swell up with pride." -The Little Prince
you, of all people, should talk about fear. i thought you learned to leave well enough alone.
why don't you read what i'm writing?
why don't you stop taking advantage of people's vulnerabilities in an effort to deflect attention from your own weaknesses?
you prey on what you consider weak to reinforce the notion of your own strength.
fuck you and everything you think you've pinned me down as.
because the fact is you've never had the presence of mind to feel any sort of conflict over anything. everything is always black and white for you, isn't it? at least concede once, in your superiority, that other people might not have it quite as easy in dealing with their own lives as you do with yours?
the reason every word you've ever had for me is utterly dripping in the venom of disdain is because you see in me the things you hate about how you are.
no wonder your post made me think of you: the "princess" has come! my Regina Olsen, my evil Beatrice. you speak like the ice-queen i always thought you were, always opting for contempt over compassion -- but only a princess, the little princess never quite a queen, regina dentata...
...i have no more romance for you.
i have no quotes for you.
you have always and only ever struck a nerve with me.
go live your life, sterile of any passion, and become nothing.
and leave me alone while i try to become something.
As you wish.
I suppose you deserve to know you were right. I did stumble across your blog by accident, and I did read only one. What I saw reminded me so much of myself that I had to respond. I do not want to see you make the same mistakes I once did. It has served me only to become a lonely man with only my books and intellect as companions. The quote is one I feel to be a mirror image of myself, and from your response, perhaps it is for you too.
One fatal error you make is to assume you know me. Do not project your anger on any friends, past or present, who you suspect to have written any of the previous messages. I am, and will remain, unknown to you.
then i am sorry that your intellect is too small to carry you...
...or it has carried you far enough, and that is the reason why you elect anonymity.
whatever.
you read a whole post. congratulations, you're judgmental. if something i write here is compelling or causes you to reflect -- then appropriate away, you have my permission. but don't assume that because i am revealing myself in pieces in a public place that you have the right -- or the ability -- to encounter what amounts to a soundbite and come to any sort of conclusion about me.
like i said, i am interested in a process here -- the writing and the living processes, both. and i don't know why, but people love to show up randomly for the "RNTHAG" series of posts, read only that, and then reply with what they think the answer to my life should be. i don't know why everyone rides in on their high horse for these posts.
seriously, chill out.
feel superior somewhere else.
if you feel the overwhelming compulsion to share your wisdom, remember that its all in the delivery. and if you walk in here, nameless and faceless, without having built a relationship with me, you don't get the right to address me the way that you did. and if what you say really has any merit, and if all you have is intellect, then have intellect enough to know how to couch a statement in a way that isn't going to make you sound like a dick.
yes; of COURSE i'm afraid of having a relationship. congratulations again, you've discovered the hidden message. whatever other reasons i give, they are reasons that belie the core, overarching reason that is built into every post...that's the whole point of these series of posts -- i'm afraid of having a relationship.
and do you know why?
of course you don't.
next time i write another entry in the "RNTHAG" series, i'm giving it a disclaimer: for entertainment purposes only.
people jump on revealed weakness like sharks in a feeding frenzy.
it is just honesty and transparency that i'm after.
...and this is ri-goddamn-diculous.
for the record, readers, i thought whoever-this-is was sarah
sure had me fooled, at least.
(it was the little prince quote.) so: sorry, sarah, for confusing you with this...person.
and sorry, guy, for being 25, and not having it all figured out yet. and that you're sad and lonely. and (especially) that you have no sense of internet etiquette.
Screw what other people think. This is your spot to release what you think and feel. You should offer no apologies and you don't. Good.
And you're correct about the neck thing. I don't have that, but am considering something like that!
amen, V.
i don't know. its just annoying. i have no use for anonymous commentators who profess so much concern for me that they can't even manage to be an actual person about it. unless its to give them a good ripping into.
and practice the dropping of my F-bombs.
anyhow, onto more interesting topics --
V, if i were an american geisha, i would do the geisha stripes down my neck. i mean, what better, cooler, more subtle, artful way could you display your geishatude, in tatoo form?
but that's just me.
i'm sure whatever you pick will rock out with its sock out.
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