proof that i could use some more Vitamin D

it occurs to me now that i've got a wider readership than i'd previously thought. evidently, people are keeping tabs on me through this blog, all of whom i know in real life. in fact, that is all that my readership consists of, and while i'm glad people take the time out of their day to consider me without feeling the need to be ostentatious or expressive about it (like, say, dropping me a note in the comments section), that is not why this site is here.

that coupled with a decline in the material i've been posting lately makes me wonder: is there any point to keep doing this at all? it was ok when this site was just for me, just practice to keep writing, but to tell you the truth, trying to do this for any external reasons other than that it is what i want to be doing or that i have something i feel the need to organize into words and sentances is crippling.

so i don't know how much longer i'll be doing this. i don't want people coming here just because they know me; i don't want anyone reading this site just to be nice.

i want to post here because i am compelled to do so, at my soul's urge, and i want people to read because they find what i write compelling.

i don't want to write just because i feel like i have to put something new up or the blogger police will come get me.

sorry if that sounds like a big fuck you to some people, but i have no grace under that kind of pressure.

on a related note, someone whom i know and am not on speaking terms with replied (via personal e-mail) to a recent post he or she apparently felt was compelling, and you might look at me and say well isn't that more or less what you wanted? and i'd say certainly there is a sense of achievement when you've moved someone you haven't spoken with in a year to break her silence...except what am i supposed to do with a missal that was written with the expressed purpose not to "re-establish a relationship?" what am i supposed to say? thank you for sharing your thoughts, now let's not dialogue about it? what's the fucking point? why did she write me in the first place?...i mean, aside from telling me that she doesn't want to have a relationship which might include discussing the important points brought up in my post? really...what was the point? to assert her "rightness" or authority? that is game i am sick of playing with people, and especially with her. i don't need you to come down and tell me you know what's what. most people who think they know are either stupid or will change their minds. thank you for condescending for a moment to reassert that you have the answers to all of life's questions; i'd forgotten for a moment why i didn't want to be friends with you.

but wait, there's more. the irony abounds. yes, apparently morality is contigent upon faith, seeking self in God, and most all community, according to my correspondent. and she feels it is important to share struggles, questions, and the journey with others. which is all fine. except we're not trying to re-establish a relationship here, remember? so.....how big of a good goddamn do you think i give? what's the point of "sharing" with me if we are nothing to each other? its called logic, lady, try and use some. especially when you're writing a so-called "reply" to a post the point of which you completely missed and utterly failed to address. its not so much that i mind the medieval scholasticism of your indignant, impregnable moral philosophy, its that.....no, wait, i do mind it.

let us break not the rules any longer.

that said, she raises a point personally relevant to me about the identity of the self and its fullfilment being contingent upon the Divine...only because i have read Kierkegaard's the Sickness Unto Death, and have understood some of it. now there's a guy who could comprehend the Schism of the Self. while i have to say that i think i believe Kierkegaard and my friend Sarah are on the right track as far the role the Divine plays in the fulfillment of the self, i feel that Man must come to an end of the rope of worldliness before he can learn to cry out for the Divine so that he might more fully receive what the Divine is crying out to give him. it is not a climb to heaven, it is a climb through the world -- and it is not to earn what is free for all, it is to be able to grasp and comprehend it.