woodwork

just wrapping up a busy weekend; the little sis is officially married, and a load of family was in town, some of whom i've not seen in a decade (the realization dawning on me that its not just that i'm a terrible son or terrible brother, but that i'm just a terrible relative in general).

all in all it was good fun. its sad to see her grow up, but there's no denying it now: my little sis ain't so little anymore. ce la vie. what is really going to be strange is when Clint and Katie have their first kid...i hope i'm around, i want to be around for that; it will give me the opportunity to start from scratch, and be someone potentially important and hopefully close to some part of his family.

at any rate, i was on the way to my parent's house to get dressed before the wedding, and got a voicemail from my highschool guidance counsellor. it took me a full five minutes to lift my jaw from the floor. apparently she discovered me via this website -- and as i'm writing this i'm only now finding the time to be confused at how she tracked down my cell-phone number.

in my last post i mused? (...complained...) that the only people who read WrittenOff are people i know in real life. its a mixed blessing, really. its nice thing to know that people are interested. on the other hand it makes me want to be less than forthright, and can potentially get me into trouble.

my boss found this site when she searched our work address. now i'm sure more than half the people i work with have at least seen it. good thing i haven't written anything here in the heat of passion about work or....well...its best to stop there.

there is a lot less security to having this site than i originally imagined. its been here for about a year and more people are reading it than i know; people are coming out of the woodwork. for all i know, my parents are reading it. scary.

i didn't think that really more than five people had ever been to or read any part of this site, and now that i know its not true, i've got to be more careful about what i write, and, most of all, who i write about -- it was all well and good when this was a nook of the internet protected by the fact that i never told anyone it existed, but now i've got to be careful. especially with using people's names.

as in Julie Randolph, who was googled by a boyfriend who found her on my "naughty list" (which she isn't actually on, idiot boyfriend of Julie Randolph -- i know i use some complex sentance structuring sometimes, but really...try to follow along here. english is your native language, right?).

as in Heidi (apparently-having-long-dropped-the-Glick-) Kerr, my highschool guidance counsellor who was googled at work by her husband, who, i am embarrassed to know, is now privy to my secret adolescent thoughts on his wife's legs, which, naturally, went no further than highly intellectual and philosophical musings about their aesthetic value, of course. (ahem)

and then there are other people in the silent wings who are dropping notes (hi Cheryl, thanks for reading -- remember when i quasi-stalked you after we broke up? heh, fun times...)...people who i'd thought i'd lost all appeal to, who've moved or moved on...( --not much to say-- ).....all very strange.

i've been struggling for self-sufficience, for self-hood. in a way i've been doing it ever since i was a kid -- disconnecting...pruning away the dried up branches, sealing off the dead ends. it is why i am not as close to my family as i should be. it is why i don't keep in good contact with anyone. my life is full of false starts and missed connections; there are few people who are electric and dear to me, less than a handful.

and where does that leave me? do i know "me" any better now? am i better for dropping all of those lines of missed connections? i don't know.

perhaps there are levels of connecting. perhaps best friends aren't something adults are with each other. perhaps i need to impose less, to expect less, to be happy with the connections i've been offered at their own frequency. it is comforting, and flattering, to know that people desire that from me in some capacity, be it blog-form or some other way...

maybe this blog has opened a door to those connections...maybe it is the door itself.
friends, family...read at your own risk.
i was never satisfied with the "doing lunch" approach to relationships -- relationships walled within a half-hour's time taken out of a day that otherwise had no room. i appreciate politeness, but i abhor formality between those who are supposed to be friends. i want "dinner and drinks" relationships; "crash in the guest room" relationships. "let's take a road trip" relationships.

which do you suppose this blog is?
are we doing lunch here? or is this dinner and drinks?
it was never supposed to be either, honestly. take it where you want it to go, i guess.
i was just trying to write, here.

love, kisses

p