breaking news!!! [with commentary!!!]

....i hate exclamation points!!! [this, in fact, is true]

anyways, the most important news items first: Heath Ledger, charming aussie (pronounced ozzie) of 10 things i hate about you fame as well as that oscar winning gay cowboy romp has been confirmed in the role of...
no, not Sir Penilis in "a knights tale two: stick it in the tail"....but... [drunk at five in the morning and this is funny. in the hungover light of day it sounds a little meaner and a lot like a bad joke cut from a Dennis Leary tv special.]

that's right, you've already googled it... [read this line with the intonation of near cleverness barely disguising the expectation that you've already gotten bored and looked elsewhere for the answer i was so expertly building suspense to.]

the friggin Joker, for the second instalment of Chris Nolan's (or is it David Goyer's...?) Batman franchise...damn. how d'yall feel about that. "y'all" as in everyone but Girish, who stil hasn't seen Batman Begins yet. c'mon, Girish...what are you waiting for. [i don't know why i say "friggin" here. it's barely appropriate. i'm not angry about anything or trying to sound tough. i am showing off the fact that i know that David Goyer wrote Batman Begins. i will show off more by telling you he wrote all three blade movies, directed the last one, and wrote a bad bad less than "B" movie adaptation of Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. which starred Yasmin Bleath and David Hasselhoff. also, i am yelling at Girish here for what you might think is no good reason. but if you thought that, then you'd be wrong. he should see Batman Begins. i don't think he'll love it, but i want to hear his thoughts.]

also, in case anyone is wondering, i am slightly drunk as i am writing this. so i forget what my other two breaking news items are. one of them might be: NEWS FLASH!!! the SUN will be coming up again, SOON!!! and 4 bags of Lay's potato(e) chips for $4.44 at the A-plus on the corner of Elmwood and Hodge. ["in case anyone is wondering" here just reads as "in case it wasn't utterly obvious yet." its that tendency all drunks have to get to a certain stage of drunkenness where they want you to know how drunk they are. i really did forget what my other news items were at this point, and i don't know why i was talking about the sun except that it really was coming up. in which case it makes that sentance only mildly relevant and certainly not at all funny. oh, and about the chips: not such a great deal, as it turns out. travelling the wrong way, $2.22 worth of them ended up in the toilet this morning.]

oh yeah, and also: Castro had intestinal surgery, leaving his brother Raoul in charge of the charming little Isle of Cuba...[what i should have done here was change "Isle of Cuba" to something like "la Isla de Cuba." it would have been more charming]

if i were Raoul Castro i'd stuff Fidel full of a strictly intravenously absorbed mineral: good ol' lead, sprinkled with a dusting of gunpowder. seriously. somebody should send this guy a copy of the Godfather part II. make a deal with the American underworld, blow Fidel's ever-stubborn brains out, and turn your economy upside down with wonderful American profits. you know you want to, Raoul. come on. you're brother doesn't know what he's doing. he wears fatigues to bed. and that beard. i mean, its gotta be really hot in that thing. that HAS to bake your head a little, right? something upstairs is a bit overly cooked...Raoul, we're not asking you to become the next Puerto Rico or anything...be your own sovreign country for all anyone else cares...be exclusive, a resort island. whatthehellever.....just stop being communist so we can stop sanctioning you and then we can come spend money at your beaches and on your cigars. no, wait...become a free economy but can your cigars somehow maintain an illegal status here in the states? it is more fun to smoke them on American soil when you know you could get thrown in jail. [this is true. but get ready for a weird tangent...] i heard that cops around here can smell the difference between Cubanos and Puerto Rican cigars...true? who knows. [what the hell am i talking about? this is making me laugh] i know i just want to try to outrun the police when they do. i've heard that Cuban nicotine can give you special powers...like swimming 90 miles with only the aid of two planks of cherrywood and a piece of string. (i am fairly sure you need a cape to even attempt this). [ok, rambling again. its not so much funny to read because its funny as its funny to read because falls so drastically short of being funny. although, really, who can say that i'm wrong about Cuba?....that's what i thought. still had enough wits for masterful political insight]

i would like to say hooray for me at this point [see? i am proud that i can be drunk and still have masterful political insight. at this point i am dreaming of landing a staff reporter position at some major, well respected, widely distributed print periodical due to my blog-reporting, newsbreaking skills. newsbreaking is probably an accurate word to describe it, no?]
and then open the can of mel gibson worms that everyone is talking about.

can i just address Mel here, for a moment?
you really should have been able to get away with what people miscontstrued as Anti-semitism in the Passion of the Christ... [read the New Testament, people. Jesus pissed off the Sanhedron and the Pharisees, and they gave him up. Jesus was a Jew. so were the Pharisees. everyone in this story is a Jew, plain and simple. its not a judgement on a particular ethnic group. people have used it that way, but that shouldn't make the story change. i am qualifying here because the internet is rife with people who like to start fights.]
but now you've just buried yourself and bought your headstone. everyone knows that when you're drunk you say things you actually DO mean rather than things you don't really mean...come on, what were you thinking? here's what you should have done: you should've walked around talking about how much you hated Jews first of all. just to everyone. like in line at Starbucks -- i'd like a tall, vanilla, non-Jew latte please. or maybe -- i'll take whatever brewed coffee you have on tap, as long as its not a he-brew...

ok, puns really are less funny than ethnic jokes, aren't they? sorry 'bout that...
[this is true. i like ethnic humor. i watched a lot of stand-up as a kid, and racially based humor always made me uncomfortable. it always felt a little...i don't know. inherently offensive; black on black humor, black on white humor. anyone on anyone. but. screw that shit. if its not mean spirited, and its funny, and people understand that its both of those things, then go for it.]
but really. you should've talked about how much you hated the Jews while you were sober -- AND THEN gotten drunk...AND THEN talked about how much you secretly liked them. like, i don't know...do a press-release about your Jew hatred and then have a few Basil Haydens at the hotel bar and accidentally spill the beans to a reporter that you love Jews, and that you are in LOVE with Jews, and that you are in LOVE with LOVING JEWS. [i actually think this is kind of funny. really, its a good plan. if he didn't want anyone to think he was an anti-semite, he should've ditched that Holocaust documentary he was working on, walked around admitting to it...and then gotten drunk and talked about how much he loved the Jews. i think it would've worked. we'd all believe him then, wouldn't we? also: i love that i was drunk while writing this part. there is a sort of formal appropriateness, pontificating on drunken activity while drunk.]

i like the alcoholism. really, i do. its a great humanizing quality. the anti-Jewism? well, i'm not Jewish, so its not personal, but....still...not so much. nobody likes a hater. [i think is true, too. see what kind of secrets of the universe spill out of you after you've had a few?]

anyway, Gibson -- in vinum est verum. alcohol is the ultimate truth serum, and you admitted it under the influence. [it i imagine to mean his anti-semitism] now we all know how you really feel. its not that you were driving drunk (heh) its that you were talking when you got caught. i really do like you. i think you're extremely talented and a respectable guy...couldn't you have just not been dissing Jews while drunkenly speeding? i wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt...but do you realize how hard you are making it on me?

Braveheart...Conspiracy Theory...Lethal Weapon...(s)...and.....other stuff.
[apparently i am listing off these Mel Gibson movies as his redeeming qualities, as the things i want to point to and say "see? he's not all bad." the rest of the thought really never came through. this "sentance" was just dangling here all by it self when i came back to this post this morning]
anyway. you are giving MSNBC all of this fodder, this station which is nothing more than a power-surf, an attempt to gain power over a band...seriousl thogh..is a ocontext befearpu jt v

[and then it just ends here. weird, eh? the decline of that last sentance is perfect though, isn't it? the arc of it is like HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey, when Dave is pulling its circuitry out. i do remember, before i shut down like a de-wired computer, that i was going to launch into a rant about how Tucker Carlson and Keith Oberman are total douchebags. when did sarcasm start passing for newsreporting? not that i'm a newshound by any means but...the whining all starts to sound the same.

at any rate, i wrote this whole post with the fervor of knowing i had several interesting news items in it and that i'd be reporting them in a timely fashion; i was going to post this at six in the morning, but obviously it never got off the ground. six hours later, and this shit's old news. ah well. at least it makes for an interesting read.]