"technical difficulties"

i'm experiencing some techinical difficulties with the poetry, lately, so you'll have to forgive me when i wax prosaic.

i suppose i'll just come out and say it: i'm adjusting badly to my new life out here. i've been making hints, but i've kept myself from saying it explicity in hopes that i might be able to maintain some level of self-delusion about it. well. i'm done. now. i'm trying not to whine, but it has been a rough six months.

worst of all, my work situation has not been working. its hard to let this stage of my life be what it is and not compare it to my old life, but work hasn't been this bad since i was an awkward whiteboy who could barely man a register in a pharmacy on the edge of the ghetto. i've never been made to feel so incompetent; and its been awhile since i've let anyone make me feel this unconfident.

what it has been is an interesting exploration of what i hang my confidence on. being the resident fuck-up at work hasn't been as bad as it could be, but its still bad. the people aren't so much malicious about it as they are condescending, and i'm not sure which i'd rather deal with. but in a work environment, being stripped of confidence in your own professional skills is...castrating. emasculating. i haven't been too articulate over the past few days, so those aren't exactly the right words, but you get the idea. not to mention the inability to settle in means total lack of a social life (which is just a euphemism for 'i still haven't made any friends').

i guess i hadn't realized that feeling competent at my job and having people around who like me meant all that much to me. to tell you the truth i'm almost a little ashamed. i should be more independant than that. i should be more centered, more self sufficient than that. but this exercise in self-sufficience has shown me this much: i suck at it. i am a suckybaby who can't handle life.

on the other hand, i've had copious amounts of time to myself, and recent days aside, i've been having probably the most productive few months i've ever had, which is exciting. and this is why i ran away. this is what i came out here to do. i came out here not to have friends. i came out here not to be distracted by a great job and lots of people, and to center myself: around the family that i hardly know, and around my writing and creative exploits.

now that i think about it wish i would have better chronicled my days here, rather than saving it up for a weepy bitching blog-post. it would have been a lot more interesting, a lot more productive. the actual living of my life would be less hindered by all the complaining about how i'm not living it. all it takes to live the life you want to live is a choice, and a little dedication.

and this is exactly the life i asked for. its not easy. it is, admittedly, a little uneven. but it is the life i want to be living, for now.

and sometimes its the smallest things that drive home the break i've made with my former life:

--i've finally changed the presets on my car radio from buffalo to albany stations. its a good thing i can't get enough of that new nelly furtado song.

--all the old phone messages i've saved were deleted during those couple months i couldn't pay my phone bill: i'd still had about 15 messages from when i was dating brenna; a slew of hysterically funny messages from eric w.; the last message i'd gotten from sarah before that year of silence settled in. my grampa singing happy birthday over the phone, two years ago. if there's one thing i hate more than nostalgia, it is not being able to torture myself with it.

--i lost the longest, warmest, blackest scarf that was ever made.

--my dad, after chatting with him only a handful of times since i've left buffalo, asked me, a few days ago: "have you ever considered monastacism?" to which i answered: "yes"

the break with the old life will never be clean, and it never should be. i have family in buffalo, and friends who are like family, and it would be tragic -- and just plain morally wrong -- to try to rid myself of those parts of me. on the contrary, and to use a weird surgical analogy, i'm not looking to have anything removed; but i could be a better version of myself, so i'm spending the money, and getting those impants. i'm looking to incorporate new life, abundant life; i'm not looking to get rid of anyone or anything.

some things i've yet to do:

--figure out langauge that more effectively differentiates between my adopted and biological family. somehow i feel like if i can do this, then i would be more comfortable with that part of my life. i still don't know how to talk about it. that i have two dads is among the least weird phrases that i can own.

--hang out with any of my Wickham sisters enough...

--or much of the Wickham family, lately. i'm such a douche!

--be of any reliable usefulness to my blind grandmother.

--cook or clean or not drunkenly break the bathroom sink off the wall enough for Rachael or Rebekah.

--get into a writing rhythm that matches my schedule and maximizes my productivity.

--put shelves on my bedroom walls (or hangers in my closet).

i'm not sure what my regularly scheduled programming is, or when i will return to it. nothing else to do but stay tuned, i suppose. here's to the show still being in progress when we return. let's hope i can get my bearings...