i have been having to fight, with all my being, the overwhelming compulsion to snag myself a real live girlfriend. i just cannot have one right now. having a girlfriend right now would be bad for me on so many levels -- not to mention the level on which it would be bad for said girlfriend (who would,as a result, make my life a living, firebreathing, headsplitting hell -- this level is a many-layered one).
oh, i could get one. that is not so much of a problem for me. the problem is that once i get one, and the falling in love part wears off as it inevitably does......well...then what? when you figure out that you're not in love, what are you supposed to do then? or, if it is love...wouldn't you know it? wouldn't you not constantly lament it as a burden? and, most of all, wouldn't you stop wondering what the girl who got the vanilla nonfat latte is like, and what she meant by "thank you," and whether or not she has plans on saturday? shouldn't you stop thinking like that when you're in love?
or is it natural to find other people attractive while you're in a committed relationship? It is, isn't it? i mean, you can't just turn that off, can you? something tells me its somewhere in between, but for a guy like me that just needs answers and is trying to figure out what to do, that doesn't help me too much. "somewhere in between" is where i've been living for the past fifteen years. "somewhere in between" is a sign above the gate on the way into my ranch. its just a euphemism for "weird and confusing."
and maybe its just that i haven't ever found a girl that was ok with the idea of me finding anyone else attractive other than her. and maybe that is the type of girl that i need to find. but to tell you the truth...that kind of weirds me out a little bit too. if i'm going to be in an exclusive relationship i wouldn't want secret weird attractions going on with either one of us, even if they never made past the bouncing around upstairs stage. i myself am not really okay with it.
so why am i like this? have i just not found the one woman who can be enough for me? have i just not yet found "the One?" is that even real, does she even exist? i don't know.
all i know is that there is no one to get mad at me, no one to offend, no one to hurt while i am single; what is a normal and healthy way for a single man to behave is utterly unbecoming in a relationship. what would have made me guilty in a relationship is only normal for me to do outside of it. really, its only fair to any prospective girlfriend that i refuse to take things to the next level....
because of reason not to have a girlfriend #2: i have a wandering eye.
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6 comments:
I think you're setting your expectations a little high. I mean, can't you just enjoy spending time with a girl that you like, without all the pressure of "what if she's not the ONE!" There will be lots who aren't the one. Also - just be honest. Like, even brutally honest if you want, about your wandering eye or what makes you tick, or whatever. EVERYONE has a wandering eye. It's fine. Really. Just tell her, so she doesn't feel like you're hiding something. Oops, there I go being all girly and talking about 'feelings.' Sorry.
of course, you have a point. but in a lot of ways i have just entered the world, even at twenty five, so these are things i haven't learned all about yet.
that said, you make it sound a little easier than life tends to be.
thanks for reading, and thanks for posting. a post from a perfect stranger always makes me smile.
keest
i miss the companionship of being in a relationship as well. sometimes i wonder if its just a matter of "the grass is always greener." i would like to believe you can live a completely fulfilled life with the right person, or, if there is no right person, then with no one at all.
all i'm looking for is a little fulfillment out of life. is that too much to ask?! (fist raised dramatically in the air)
also: i hope your visit with your grampa went well. grandparents in the hospital is never a good thing.
and oh yeah: will you be treating us to another blog post soon?
p.s.:
keest,
i didn't know you were floating around my blog...i just found your reply to RNtHaG #1...thank you for your kind words. to answer your question i go to school at Buffalo State College, where i am slowly mopping up the rest of my undergrad career. slowly.
and if you don't mind my saying, you should bond with your neglected step-child...maybe even adopt it or something. you know, take it out for a movie, get a happy meal. that kind of thing. :)
Hey, I'm in a committed relationship (married, in fact) and have been for a few years. And an uncommonly honest relationship, from what I can tell. And both of us still find other people attractive, still find ourselves thinking what it would be like to be with someone else, wondering about the girl (or guy) with the latte, whatever.
But it doesn't go past looking, and wondering. And so long as it doesn't, we're both okay. We love each other, and we're happy with each other. But that doesn't mean that we're blind to other people, just that we know where our bread is buttered, as it were.
So, in sum, a wandering eye (or mind) is no problem, so long as the rest of you doesn't go wandering, too.
Oops, I meant to put in my name and junk on the above comment, and didn't, because I suck.
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