listening the end of the Nick Cave album "No More Shall We Part" as i start this...its mostly a winter album, or an album for sad days. today is close enough to both, and so it fits in the right places where you need to hear it; if you listen closely, you can hear lines like incisors, backed by rows and rows of thunderous and passionately delivered performance...it is sad, yet somehow bouyant. not hopeful, necessarily -- or at all, even; that certainly wouldn't do. i wouldn't enjoy listening to it half so much if that were true. there is no resolve to its sadnesses; rather, it just pushes through them, it continues. coincidentally, the line that plays as write this: "i was lookin for an end to this for some kind of closure, time moves so rapidly i had trouble keepin track of it."
perhaps there isn't much closure; perhaps there is no end as long as time keeps moving so rapidly.
i was in love with a girl for about ten years who grew to hate me so much that she has nothing but malice for me now in her crooked and abusive heart. i'm not sure what to do with that, and i wonder: how could i have misjudged somebody so completely? how did i ever think i wanted a family with someone so thoroughly disappointing? what was it that i saw in her in the first place? i guess even love at first sight is not beyond making an occasional joke. one of the last things i said to her was that i was afraid to lose her because i couldn't see how i had anything good to look forward to after her. she told me that it wasn't fair to put that kind of responsibility on her. it wasn't. but it was what i've felt for so long, i suppose the 10 years of hope and expectation were too much pressure as well. yet there was no one else with whom i wanted to share good things with more than her; the let down was almost too much to handle. now, i only wish her all the emptiness and misery she has wrapped herself up in.
now, she is taking me to court, for being mean to her; ironies abound. i find it almost funny that she was the one to cross lines of appropriateness when it came to what we said to one another. the hateful, evil things i've heard come out of her mouth were nothing short of astounding. i tried to call her out on it several times, but she either apparently thought she was justified in telling me she hoped i fucked around, caught aids and died, or she just didn't think it was an awful thing to say. more surprising was when she couldn't understand how furious it made me when she said she may be pregnant but that i would never know my child. how someone so psychologically and verbally abusive has the stones to take me to court for harrassment is just another pearl of shit on this string of reprehensable, conscienceless behavior. the other irony? just as i start waking up without the sickening, laser focused hatred for her blazing through my brain every morning, she slaps me with this legal bullshit, which will only now draw out the process of letting go that much longer. it is nothing but sheer malice on her part. she has no qualms about the serious harm she does towards other people as long as it serves her own ends. i want to be done with her as much as she wants to be done with me...there are other, new, and better people to love....for God's sakes, there are better people to hate; she is just vacuum and void.
so. maybe there is no resolve to this sadness; that i haven't been able to tidily package up and store the old hurts doesn't take away from the necessity of starting new and beautiful things, nor does it detract from their sweetness. their may be no resolve to the sad realities that grip me now other than that time passes quickly, and it may fade into the background behind what is next, what is new, what is more deserving of my attention and talents....where i put the past isn't nearly so important as where i put my feet, and what i point them toward...
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2 comments:
yeah....none of those are my finest moments. not sure why you're so intent on reliving them. didn't really bring out the best in eachother huh?
or didn't you save the garbage that you sent to provoke me to make most of those comments? my guess is, probably not -- because you're not an honest enough person to face something like that, or suck it up and deal with the consequences of a situation or environment you've created. you have said the worst things anyone has ever said to me without so much as flinching at them when i've repeated them to you the next day....*after* you've sobered up, i might add.
i don't know why its so important to you to hang onto shit. you don't *deal* with any of it, you don't *process* it...you just hang onto it to relive the delicious torture of it maybe?
i know when these texts are from too...some of them are more recent, and some of them are older. clearly you have been planning this for a long time...
i really hope the feeling of control you get from all of this is worth it for you. thing is, once its over, its over, and you won't have any more power to wield over me any longer. i might come out worse, damaged and disreputed, but i won't mourn you, or us, and i'll finally be free of you after ten years.
it took me some time to put you, and us, into perspective...and i said some mean and terrible things. you'd rather do something mean in return than wait for me to process through all of the hard realities of the last six months. you always talk about people having compassion for how long it takes you to get somewhere good in your life, but you are ruthless to people who don't progress at the rate that you'd like them to. double standards all the way for you, always. doesn't seem like you've done all the changing you keep claiming to have done....
you've modified things i've said in anger and while i was drunk, and taken them out of any context or proportion to serve your current goals, but if you were really afraid i was going to do something, you wouldn't be posting here, to do...what? provoke me? add injury to insult? what is it? did you actually want to talk about this? if not, i don't understand the point...you have your own blog you can say things on.
what is clear is that it is because of the terrible things i've *said* to you that you're going ahead with legal action...because i've said shitty things like what you've posted that have obviously touched a nerve, and hurt your pride...but *not* because you really think i'm going to do something to hurt you. and that's just low, and shady, and vindictive. call a spade a spade. don't turn it into something else, just so you can take me to court over it.
the biggest part i regret about all of this is that i let you bring me down to your level...maybe even lower, if its possible. i'm sorry for responding to you the way i have. its really taken its toll, and i can see why its so hard for you to stop being as mean as you are to people because its a difficult habit to break. it is not, however, impossible....it just takes effort
now, don't post here anymore unless you want to work something out. but it seems to me you never like to listen to anything i suggest, so i suppose i'll hear from you again, and this is all probably just too fun and dramatic for you to want to drop this bullshit.
i could have you blocked from here, but somehow i have some weird impossible thread of hope that you'll want to work something out.
its always started and ended with you.
everyone always follows your lead, remember?
so needless to say, as always, the ball is in your court. you can demonstrate yourself as being a better person, or live up to the expectation i have of you that you're always telling me isn't true.
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