"nobody loves me, it's true" part I

how many nights have i felt like this?

this is how i've felt for at least half my life...

ok. yes, i broke up with my girlfriend on purpose. and no, i don't want to date anyone either. so why do i want girls to be interested in me and why do i get angry when they aren't? i want every woman to be in love with me -- its all about ego. its all about ego and i know it, and a world of women chasing after me would never be enough.

in a way, it gives me a peek inside the head of the typical slutty girl -- you want so badly for people to want you and when they do and you give them what they want it makes you feel good to be wanted, makes you proud that you are good enough to be used. you want someone to want you so bad it feels good when they turn you into a piece of meat, which is, for you a pedestal -- for you it is the highest regard you can hold someone in -- the instant "i want to fuck that person" reaction when you see someone who is so beautiful they can't hold it in -- you want to be that for other people.

i completely understand that.

and i'm the furthest thing away from a slut that there is. don't get me wrong, i have inclinations, but i've never acted on them . and even now, when i have those inclinations and am a little more willing to act on them it doesn't work. it is because i am unlucky. it is because the girls i could get want to date me and the girls i want to "do things" with are out of my league -- or they think that they are -- or they are teases, and really don't want anything from me except to know that i want them and then that's good enough and see you later, goodbye.

i just saw the texting girl. the girl i almost (though i use that word loosely -- in retrospect, let me rather say "would have") cheated on my ex girlfriend with. i was driving on the scajacuada expressway and ended up getting off at the elmwood exit right behind her. she recognized me, and waved, and i took a second and had to figure out who she was and then waved back, and pulled off into the buff state parking lot for a class it turns out i missed. she called me:

"you have no idea who that was, do you?"
"i-- no, i-- yeah i knew who that was, of course. what's up?"
"nuuuh-than. what are you doin?"
"ah, i'm just going to class right now."
"what time does your class start?"
(its six fourty three)
"at seven."
"all right, well, when you get out, give a call."

(seven thirty)
ring ring ring ring ring ring...(an ungodly amount of rings)
click.

(seven fifty five)
text message to texting girl:
"tease"

(nine fifty)
ring ring ring ring (voicemail message that i didn't catch)
message:
"ah, all right, you're gonna be a punkass, that's fine. whatever. maybe i'll see you around."



girl games get me down